New Year's resolutions suck. But you already knew that.

It's here. It's happened again. I've blinked and another whole year has disappeared. You know the feeling. You look up from your extremely narrow focus and BAM! New year. Smack in the face. Every year I hope this won't happen again and every year it does. Can I keep it from happening next year? Probably not. But I'm hoping to try some different things this year to see if I can.

First and foremost, I need to keep my head up and look around. It's so easy for me to become micro focused on the current crisis or deadline that I don't see what else is going on around me and in front of me. A monthly review would be great and it's something I've tried in the past but it always seems to get pushed aside because honestly, it's no fun. Next year goal: figure out a way to make a monthly review fun without turning it into another project that will seem overwhelming and not get done.

I’d love to finally start budget effectively and feel like an adult. Ugh. I hate that word: budget. In my dream world in my head, I’ve already got a well planned, effective budget that I stick to every month. In reality, I can’t even face reality enough to figure out a realistic budget. And don't even get me started on talking to hubby about this. Money is such a difficult topic to talk about! And as I've probably said before, I’m not good at difficult. Unless it's what I'm not supposed to do. But that's a whole other topic. Next year goal: hell if I know. I've tried YNAB and quicken and I think I've done a modified envelope system before. I may just have to bite the bullet on this one and just do it. I can totally see me pushing this off and off and off and being in the exact same situation next year. Will somebody buy me a trip as a reward for budgeting? That might motivate me.

The next thing that pops into my mind makes me realize why New Years resolutions or whatever you care to call them can get so depressing. We're picking out all of our short comings and trying to change them. It's just another 'I'm not good enough" statement running through my head. And those are bull. I AM good enough. For me. For my family. For my husband. And if that's all, then that’s enough. That being said, I feel better when I exercise - especially outside. But it’s something with which I have a total love hate relationship (there a whole list of those by the way). I love the way it makes me feel but I hate that it takes a gigantic amount of motivation to get me to do it. It seems to be engrained in me to want to get out side at the end of the year though so I might as well take advantage of it. So far this week we’ve been outside pretty much every day and we walked to the library and the playground so I suppose that’s a start. I’m definitely going to try to work exercise back into my routine this year. I don’t have a plan. I know I should. Maybe I can work that into my fun planning session.

I have a friend that I went to high school with that made a resolution to eat more ice cream last year. And I thought that was the most brilliant resolution that I had ever heard. It was fun and easy and did I mention fun? I think that’s my next area of focus. Fun. I find myself defaulting to ‘stern mommy’ and ‘serious mommy’ WAY more often than I’d like these days. I don’t see the fun and humor in things like I used to and I want to. I don’t just want to be ‘the fun mom’, I want to have fun! I want to be fun. I want to continue to find ways to enjoy my life, my family, my husband and laugh with them. More laughter is always a good thing so next year, more laughing, less scowling and head shaking.

My biggest goal next year is to begin writing consistently. I've spent a year with my blog and I've done very little with it. But I want to and I know what I need to do. I’ll be moving to a wordpress address shortly and working on building my blog content and features over the next year. Promotion will have to be a part of that too. So more time writing. Less time worrying/stressing/maybe even cleaning! Ha ha!



I’m not sure if any or all of these will keep me from being slapped in the face again next year when 2016 rolls around but I’m pretty sure they will help me to have a great 2015. Cheers to you and yours on a happy and healthy new year to come!

Noon Year's Eve

My girls have a friend that's going to be over to play on New Year's Eve during the day. The other day I got an email about a nearby event that I wanted to take them to but at $35 bucks a pop times three and probably the best part of an hour drive each way, it seemed like more of an obstacle than I was willing to tackle. But it looked so cute!!! It's a noon years celebration. It's from 11 to 1 and they do a countdown at noon for the kids. What a fabulous idea right?! And so since I wasn't willing to make the drive, I wondered if we could do our own Noon Year's Eve celebration here! So, I started thinking and of course headed straight to Pinterest and created a board for all of the fun stuff I’ve found. So far, I’m hoping to:

Make a paper plate clock

 

Make and decorate paper plate shakers

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Play New Year’s bingo

 

Make pipe cleaner crowns & rings (The rings don't show up on the pinned link but they look pretty straight forward: grab a few pipe cleaners, twist around a finger and bend tops out to look like a firework.)

 

Do 'look back’ and maybe resolution sheets

 

Countdown at noon with noisemakers and maybe even a pots and pans parade outside if it’s nice

 

 

Play with glitter playdough

This is a fairly ambitious day for me since I’ve pretty much been a slug since the Christmas festivities ended but I think the girls will like whatever we can get done. Stay tuned for the redux to see what we really got accomplished!

Quick crafty Christmas gifts

I'm hoping to write a full blog post about these (or just improve this one) but I wanted to get this up while you still had a little time to make them.

Christmas has been rushed for me this year. Between moving and a partial kitchen remodel, I've been feeling behind the eight ball. So when it came time to think about gifts for all of those helpful people in our lives - teachers, bus drivers, friends, etc - I needed something simple and cute. And did I mention simple? I considered kiss balls (you know... gluing Hershey's kisses to an ornament ball?) but I'm not 100% sure where my glue gun is so that was anxiety inducing. Then I found these cute little Santa jars on Pinterest and thought, "I can do that!" The buckles were supposedly available "inexpensively at your local craft store in the sewing notions department". The closest I found were vest buckles at $2 per pair so I bought the last 2 packages the they had but I'll be using silver pipe cleaners in the future. Did I mention I've got 18 of these to make?

So anyway, I used small jelly jars because that's what I had and 5 miniature kit-kats, 5 Hershey's kisses and 5 dove dark promises later, I've got a cutie gift!

Slackin off like a boss - 101

So today's prompt over at nablopomo is to write a "how to" post on something that you're good at. And I sat and thought... and thought... and thought...

What am I good at that I can share with you? The fact that I failed in my quest for nablopomo on day one lit a light bulb above my head. Procrastination! It's definitely my strongest and most well honed skill.

So,  I've decided to share some tips for effective procrastination.

First, you'll need to make a to do list. It's got to be long and complex. And long. (Did I say that already? Long.) Number one should be 'make to do list'. This is an easy and empowering start. Now, walk through every room of your abode cataloging all of the projects - no matter how big or small they are - that you see. Or imagine that you see. Don't like the curtains in the bedroom? Why not learn to sew your own? Hate your stained carpet? You can definitely rip it up and install hardwood. Need more dragons around? Papier-mâché 'em! Don't forget to toss in, 'use the bathroom', 'eat Cheetos', 'watch real housewives'. Items that are easy to check off will build your sense of accomplishment and keep you going. Or derail you. You never know which.

Next, find a 'to do list organizational style' that works best for you. Some options include:

• highlighting your existing task list by location
• highlighting your existing task list by priority
• rewriting your list on paper by location
• rewriting your list on paper by priority
• writing each task on a post it and posting on a cork board; sort by location or priority. Try both ways and see which you like best. Then try the other again. Just to be sure.

If you really want to get fancy, you can spend an hour or two creating a spreadsheet to cross reference each task by location AND priority. Throw in potential return on investment and interest level if you want. Or start researching apps that will do it for you. I mean, why reinvent the wheel, right?

Go use the bathroom.

Check off 'use the bathroom' from your list. See? Motivational!

Now check your email to make sure nothing else needs to be added to your adequately organized to do list. Investigate the picture that facebook notifies you you've been tagged in. Fall down the facebook wormhole for at least an hour.

Use the bathroom again.

Make a mental note to include 'use the bathroom' at least twice on tomorrow's to do list.

Look at the clock and realized you've only got 20 minutes till dinner time.

Grab that bag of Cheetos, flop down on the couch and commence a real housewives marathon until you pass out drooling on your couch. Now that's what I call a productive day. Without children, of course. With kids around, the procrastination gets so much easier but the screaming can escalate a whole lost faster.

Resistance is futile. You will be assimilated.

The other day I posted on facebook that I was confused about the holidays. A friend's comment about poor Thanksgiving not getting its month got me thinking and I have to agree with her. It's this lovely, warm, beautiful, earthy holiday that's all about family and togetherness. And of course food, which I love. But it's getting taken over by big, red, greedy, sparkly, bully Christmas who just keeps encroaching more and more every year. I see decorations on sale with the school supplies. 

I get that if you sell it, they will buy. I myself was tempted to buy limited edition Christmas ziplocs just 3 days after Halloween because what if I end up making cookies for friends and need something to put them in but all of the ziplocs are gone because they're LIMITED EDITION? And then I realized the ridiculousness of what was going through my brain. So what if the Christmas ziplocs are sold out? Will the world end? Because if I don't make the cookies, I'll be using Christmas ziplocs well past Easter with the rate that we use them. And honestly? Are my fiends going to realize that they could have had Christmas ziplocs if by some miracle I DO end up making cookies?

I find it's easier not to venture into stores more than necessary starting after Halloween. The merchandisers are on their a game at this time of the year. They put out all things sparkly and shiny and 'limited edition' knowing I have just so much willpower and this will likely be enough to toss me over the edge and begin a spending spree. All of those 'just so' displays make me feel 'just so' worthless. My mantle isn't that sparkly. My lights don't flash like that. And I'm sure that's what they're going for. Because if I just buy all of their sparkly and shiny things, my home will be as beautiful as everyone else's and I'll finally be enough. 

I feel like that's Thanksgivings biggest hurdle. There just isn't enough money in togetherness. Thoughtfulness doesn't leave you wanting to buy and put up a giant dancing inflatable turkey in your front yard. Thankfulness doesn't leave you searching for a way to cure your perceived inferiority with the use of your wallet. 

So far, I've resisted the pull of Christmas but it's only November 5th. I'm pretty sure I'll end up getting sucked in before Thanksgiving but I'd really like to keep our family's focus on this beautiful November holiday before the bully beats us down. There'll be enough of that in December. 

Why I almost didn't vote

Today is Election Day and as my girls - ages 6 and 4 - and I talked about what Election Day was and how women didn't always have the right to vote, I was surprised to find that I got a little teary while we were discussing it. 

I am not a political person and I've never been good at history; dates just don't stick in my brain. So the girls and I googled 'women's sufferage' and found out that the nineteenth amendment was finally ratified in 1920 after a hundred years (Or so I figured after my quick google skimming.) of women being denied. (Please correct me if I'm wrong.) Even if I am wrong, and it was only 50 years or 20 years of fighting it's still an amazing feat. Cue the teary eyes. I told the girls that women fought very long and very hard to change something that they didn't think was right and it filled me with pride and awe. I have to wonder if I would have done the same thing. Is there anything that I feel so strongly about that I would spend my entire life fighting for it? Obviously not because I'm not doing it. 

And I'll tell you a little secret. I really wasn't planning on voting today. Not until the girls and I talked at breakfast. And I realized that no excuse that I could come up with would be valid. There were women who fought, starved themselves and probably died for this cause and I'm gonna skip it because there might be a line? Um, yeah. Totally lame. So, the little one and I headed to the polls after dropping the big one at the bus and I cast my vote. And there was no line. 

I doubt I'll ever consider myself to be a political person. I won't be watching the returns come in live on TV (More like a DVR'd real housewives of something or other or poker if my husband has the remote) but I exercised my hard won right and apparently encouraged my friends to do the same by posting it on facebook. 

My friend Linda posted this on Facebook today and I thought it was just so perfect! 

Offering a moment of silence

With a busy weekend behind me, I'm always grateful to greet a Monday morning. Yes. I really wrote that. I actually enjoy Mondays. It's a time for me to get back to center and since today is a beautifully clear and blustery cold day, I've decided to take a little walk after the kiddos are at school. (Understandably another reason that I like Mondays. "Mommy time" is a highly valued commodity these days.)

There's something about sun and silence and the freedom to think that magically calms my brain, orders my thoughts and refills my heart. I spend my days being bombarded with information and requests - from TV, the internet, my children to name a few - and sometimes it's all just too much for me to hold on to. Walking outside alone, I hear the sound of my sneakers hitting the pavement; the crunch of the leaves under my feet; birdsong and wind chimes high in the trees and my thoughts are free to come and go. They are able to be explored. Or ignored as the case may be. To be acknowledged, processed. It's always amazing to me how patient a calm mind can be. It is able to focus and wait instead of scattering and panicking. 

So in exchange for half an hour in the cold, I get creativity, patience, exercise, freedom, invigoration, and joy. Not a bad deal. 

How do you get back to center when life scatters you?

Hello November you sexy beast.

November is here crisp and bright and I took the "day off" from some of my non-critical responsibilities yesterday to enjoy a lazy day around the house with my family. It was a nice break but today it's back to work! We've got an open house again today so there's massive cleaning going on and a little procrastination on my part too!

I'm challenging myself to be a part of nablopomo this month. I aspired to it last month and dropped the ball. I've done nanowrimo in the past but since I'm hoping to get serious about my blog, nablopomo seemed like a better fit this time around. Obviously, I've already missed day one but I'm letting go of my perfectionism and jumping in where I am. This could also be the worst month ever to start because of Thanksgiving and moving but a little personal challenge never killed anyone. Did it? No, seriously? Did it? I can't find any facts on this. So anyway...

This month, I'll be posting:

• A guide to preparing for an open house (since I've had so much practice lately!)
• An introduction to the remodel of my kitchen (which very well may kill me.)
• A post about me and why I've decided to start blogging
• The 39 ways I'm hoping to keep my holidays manageable and stress free 
• How Popsicle sticks have reduced my screaming
• Love. And why it needs to be my new mantra.
• Assertiveness
• How things seemed to get crazy busy when the littlest stopped napping.

You probably noticed that there are not 28 posts listed there. You'll have to check back (or sign up for email updates!) so that you find out what the others are going to be. And of course, I'm always open to suggestions too.

Why amazing deals won't tempt me anymore. In theory.

My husband and I have lived in our house for 10 years. When we moved in we were 28 & 29 years old. Good lord. There it is. That stuff that makes me feel old. 28? That seems like a lifetime ago. We had no kids. We had no dog. We had no furniture. (Ok so that's not entirely true. This wasn't our first house so we had some furniture but not "enough".) 

When we were 28 & 29, our lives revolved around our friends. Hanging out with them. Going to bars with them. Inviting them to our house for large boisterous parties. And our house was absolutely perfect for that. At around 3800 square feet if you include the finished basement, it had all the room we could ever want for entertaining and I had all the time in the world to keep it clean. I wasn't working and, remember? We had no kids. We hosted Thanksgivings and Christmases and New Years Eves and random parties just for the heck of it. Which was great for awhile. 

And then we had kids. 

And everything changed. As it is like to do. 

And in the beginning, that was fine. I could still keep up with our house and take care of our first born. I bought things that I thought she would like to play with. And we still had Thanksgivings and Christmases but New Years became more of a 'just the two of us' kind of thing after she went to bed. 

And then we decided to have another baby. And everything changed again. As it is like to do. 


We still do Thanksgivings and Christmases but there's usually a stash and dash in the week leading up to them instead of the months of meticulous planning that I used to do. Pre kids, I hand made my own invitations before and recipe book thank you gifts for everyone after Thanksgiving. With two little ones in the house, I forgot to get wine one year. 

So cute, right? And yes. Those are
hand embossed pumpkins.

Little by little, our house began to fill with all of the stuff that can come with children: toys, gear, clothes. And then there was the other stuff that we 'needed'. More furniture, clothes, organizational items: bins and dividers and labels. Oh my! And before I knew it, I had packed our house full of all kinds of stuff we didn't need, didn't use and couldn't take care of. Instead of spending my time taking care of our kids, I was spending my time taking care of our stuff. I couldn't do both of them well and my kids were losing out because of it. I would snap at them because there was too much on my to do list and I couldn't get it all done. The mopping, dusting, organizing, clearing out and restocking was just too much for me. 

And that was one of the reasons I wanted a smaller house. There were other reasons of course. Smaller houses have smaller bills. I was finally ready to have neighbors so our girls could play and I could socialize. I wanted to be able to play in a yard and walk out my door and go for a run without having to drive somewhere. 

So we decided to downsize and are currently in the process of moving. Which is a very interesting journey to say the least. 

Unearthing all of the unnecessary stuff is truly mind boggling to me. We probably quartered our stuff in preparation for the listing and showings that come along with that. Now that we've bought our next house - which is literally half the size of our current house - I'm going through things again and trying to be more drastic with my purging. It's easy and difficult at the same time. There are things that I don't know why I ever bought or accepted and then there are things that I can't imagine parting with. I know this won't be the last culling that we'll have to do. We'll sell furniture that we don't need anymore when we move and I can envision me spending much of the winter and spring going through boxes in the basement and tossing more unneeded things. 

But the question still remains... How much is "enough"? I'm working on finding out just how little can fulfill that idea but I'm a product of the 80s and I think I may always be a material girl at my core. I'm fighting it with every third breath. (The other two seem to find me in the land of the hundred dollar receipt buying things I'll regret in four years.) A lifetime of materialism and the quest for the next best or necessary or 'this will make me happy' thing are not easily left behind. I have days when it seems so simple and possible to live in the moment and remove everything that doesn't serve me and others where I feel so inadequate that stopping between shopping venues to consider that fact is utterly impossible so I just continue from one meaningless purchase to another. Busy sometimes feels better than introspective.

So I'm making a 'new phase of life' resolution.  Even if I know there's a good chance I won't keep it and perhaps because I know there's a good chance I won't keep it. I resolve to do my best to be mindful as often as I can manage.  I resolve to not get caught up in feelings of inadequacy that send me into a shopping frenzy. I resolve to ground myself in nature as often as necessary. And I resolve to start over again each and every time I fail.  

My friend Kelley posted this on Facebook this morning 
and I thought it was so appropriate that I borrowed it!

Revlon rocks!

Ok so here's something that I'm frankly shocked that I'm doing. A make up review. For those of you who know me, you know that I do not wear make up. Like, ever. On rare occasions that hubby and I get a night out without the kiddos, I've been known to brush on some mascara - I do love my eyelashes - and a little eyeshadow but that's, maybe, twice a year. 

I love the way my nails look with nail polish on but I rarely take the time to put it on because it ALWAYS starts to chip off within 24 hours. My nails are soft and they bend a lot so there are always cracks that turn into chips on the tips. 

In the past, I've tried gel manicures and they rock. But I don't have the time or money for the upkeep and they totally ruined my nails when I finally removed the polish. So when I saw an ad on tv for Revlon's new gel color envy I thought I'd give it a shot. (Full disclosure: I have not been paid by Revlon nor have I received any other type of compensation. I’m just not that known as a blogger. Yet. Ha ha.) My first shopping attempt at Target, land of the hundred dollar receipt, came up empty handed because they didn't have the top coat. Luckily, my youngest daughter landed herself an ear infection a few days later and an 8:00 pm trip to the pharmacy with a 15 minute wait for the prescription netted me a bottle of #630 hot shot and top coat. 

After putting the littlest munchkin to bed with a belly full of antibiotics and sitting down with a beer, I decided to brush on a quick coat or two of the polish just to see if it would live up to the hype in my head and the amazon reviews that I had read. But first, a little background about my polishing style first though. Ya know those people who brush polish all over their fingers, onto the skin next to the nail and the cuticle and everything? Yeah that's me. My typical routine used to be to do my nails and they take a hot shower so that I could peel all of the excess polish off. (How come nobody ever told me about the petroleum jelly trick?!) So the first thing that amazed me about this polish was the brush. Even in my hasty attempt to get color on my nails, I only got a few spots of color on my skin. I don’t know if all nail polish brushes are like this nowadays (since it’s been AGES since I did my nails last) but the brush on the gel envy polish seems to be contoured. It’s longer in the middle, shorter on the sides and its slides right into the valley between my nail and my skin and covers the side of the nail perfectly. This. Is. Amazing! I’ve NEVER been able to get polish over my entire nail without the whole 'hot shower, peel off’ routine.

I did 2 quick coats and went to bed and did the top coat in the morning. I did not buff my nails and there’s a wicked ridge in there right now for some reason. Again, I was working quickly, so my results weren't salon beautiful but for me they were better than usual.

Day 2 of wear

Next time I'll take a little more time and buff my nails to get rid of some of the bumps. I have a feeling this will be my new go to polish and I'll be snagging another color when I go to the land of the hundred dollar receipt later today. 

What I continue to love about this polish as I wear it is the durability. As I’ve mentioned before, we’re in the process of moving so I’ve been cleaning kitchens and installing shelves, removing cabinet doors, changing locks, etc and the color has held up phenomenally. I can reliably go 3 days without a single chip which, to some, might not seem like a long time but it’s at least triple the time that I used to get from my polish.

So far, I’ve tried:
430 Showtime which is great for when I’ve just had the purple streaks in my hair re-dyed and my nails get stained purple. And is showing up as blue on the website even though mine is dark purple with sparkles.
630 Hot shot - The lovely fall orange above
640 Joker’s wild - a nice pale orange 
440 Wild card - a blue that I thought I was too old to pull off but ended up loving more and more every day I wore it
Cardshark - This one almost went back to the store. The color is a baby pink and I didn’t think I could pull this one off either. I happened to see a picture that I had taken of it the other day and decided that while it’s not my typical color, I really quite like it. I’ll be giving it another shot.

If you’ve been struggling with keeping polish on your fingers, give this stuff a shot. I think it’s truly converted me back to a nail polish wearer. Thank you Revlon for renewing my love of nail polish!

Cardshark-ready for a second try

Showtime-one of my faves!

 

This moment of serenity brought to you by...

my hair appointment. And wine.

As I was heading running out the door to my hair appointment tonight, I had a flash of brilliance and grabbed this little cutie that I bought when I was in Atlantic city a few weekends ago. I might as well celebrate a little alone time with a little wine, right?! Someone has to be making a fortune off of these! I thought the small bottles were genius but now I don't have to look like a mini wino drinking straight out of one. Cheers!

Thirty-nine things to love about fall

Fall is my absolute favorite time of year. As I get older, I’m coming to realize that I have fall allergies which isn’t the best thing in the world but even that can’t deter my love of fall. The crisp chill in the air, the sound of crunching leaves, it all just leaves me with a cozy, snuggly, happy feeling. It doesn’t hurt that my birthday is in fall and I always seems to get fabulous gifts - did I mention we bought a new house on my birthday this year?

This being my 39th year, I think I'm going to make it the year of the '39 things' list. To start out, here are the 39 things I most looking forward to this fall:

1. Raking leaves in our new yard. 
2. Pumpkin spiced NOTHING. I know I’m in the minority here but pumpkin spice just doesn’t do it for me. Now pumpkin roll is a whole other story! Bring it on!
3. Bonfires
4. Watching leaves silently fall. This is particularly rewarding if you’ve been talked at for hours by a 6- and/or 4-year old 
   
5. Jumping into a pile of leaves
6. Leaf ‘stained glass’ 
7. Acorns. Oh how my girls love to play with these. 
8. Squirrels. Everywhere. So entertaining!
9. Pumpkins and gourds and squash, oh my! 
   
10. Sweatshirts
11. Shorter days. Ok, so this is not something I’m really looking forward to per se but it totally encourages that cozy snuggly feeling and makes me want to hunker down and work on my home. 
12. Fall decorations
13. Trick or treating
14. Corn stalks (shocks? I never quite got that straight.)
15. Bats and black cats and construction paper. Need I say more?
16. Finding how nuts my dog will go now that we will finally have trick or treaters. 
17. Handing out candy for the first time in 10 years. 
18. Apple picking
19. Football. And not the sham that they put on TV. The real stuff. High school football. With the band and everything!
20. Reese's peanut butter cups. Yup. I steal them from my kids trick or treating candy.
    
21. The local Halloween parade. M has asked me to walk with her since it’s at night. Her daisy troop is going as girl scout cookie boxes. Seriously. Does it get any cuter than that??
22. Fire safety week. Knowing that the kids get so excited about meeting firefighters and seeing the fire trucks makes me so happy. I remember riding on one at school when I was a kid.
23. Halloween costumes. My girls are requesting store bought costumes this year (which I knew would come sooner or later) but I’ve enjoyed making their costumes in the past. Last years request for a praying mantis was a ton of fun!
24. Cool, foggy mornings
25. Crisp, clear nights
26. Corn mazes
27. Scarecrows
28. Indian corn
29. Pumpkin carving
30. Mums
31. Candy corn
    
32. Soup
33. It's the great pumpkin Charlie Brown! I can't wait to share this with my girls!
34. Osage oranges on the ground
35. Walnuts. My kids just love it when we "pop the walnuts" as we drive over them. 
36.  Concord grapes
    
37. School
38. But not school mornings
39. My birthday!

So you can see why I love fall so much, can't you? What's your favorite thing about fall?

What doesn't serve.

So after returning from a wonderful weekend at the beach last weekend, I fell into super lazy mode. I was sick with an epic man cold (yes, I know I’m a woman but seriously... this thing just won’t give up.) and I just didn’t feel like doing anything. My dishes piled up, my laundry piled up, there were dog-hair tumbleweeds rolling around the house. And then when I came home on Tuesday, there was a surprise sign in my yard about an open house on Sunday. Yep. We're selling our house. And this open house was news to me. So now I had at least three big projects that need to be done within five days and I had been super lazy mode for a whole week. Talk about feeling behind the eight ball.

When I went to get dressed that morning, I found that I had nothing that I wanted to wear. That afternoon when I finally got back upstairs I realized why. In super lazy mode, I had never unpacked my bag from the beach which had all of my favorites in it. Looking around my closet, I realized that I only wear about 70% of the stuff in there. (Ok, maybe 60%? 50%? Cringe.) The stuff in my bag and my laundry piles are the things I love best and the rest of it is kind of ‘just in case stuff’. So I had a thought. Maybe I should get rid of everything else it's in my closet. I don't like most of it anyway. Either it doesn't look good on me or I don’t like to wear it and chances are, I probably haven't worn it in over year anyway. And yes. I've read all the blogs and articles that say if you haven't worn something in over year you need to get rid of it. But it’s hard. There was always that 'what if’. What if I wanted it? What if I needed it? What if this year was finally the year that I kept my commitment to eating right and exercising consistently and lost a ton of weight and was able to fit into my dress from junior high school? (Yes. I still had a dress from junior high in my closet.)

My thinking was probably inspired by an article I read recently that's been rattling around my head a lot. The thing that stuck with me was the thought that how you approach one part of your life is how you approach all parts of your life. (And I could totally ramble off on a tangent here about being a deadliner and how that ties in with this bout of super lazy mode but we’ll save that for another post! Maybe. Have I mentioned I’m unfocused too?) As I was staring into this abyss of stuff in my closet, it was like a lightning bolt moment and this section of the post came crashing back to me:

Let’s pretend I’m in your home right now. Take a moment and open your closet.

Are there a bunch of clothes in there you never wear, but continue to hold on to, just in case?

If so, I’m betting there are people in your life that don’t match who you are or who you really want to be, yet you continue to hold on to them in fear of standing alone. If that doesn’t fit, how about this? I’m betting there is a job you’re holding on to that you don’t love, but you’re settling for what is, not what you want to be.

Do you see what I mean? The energy is the same. When we hold on to things just in case, we’re buying into poverty consciousness. We’re not trusting that what we need, or who we’ll want, will be there if we let go of what’s no longer working.

Um. Duh? And Wow. So I cleaned out my closet and got rid of all most of the things that don't serve me. It's gonna be helpful for moving. It gave me something to procrastinate all these big projects that I should have been doing and didn’t really feel like doing right at that moment. And hopefully it'll also give me a sense of release and of letting go of things that don't serve me so that I can do it in the rest of my life. I don’t pretend to think that just by getting rid of some of my clothes, I’ll immediately be able to release all of the things in my life that don’t serve me but the journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step, right?

Of whines and waves

I'm headed to the beach this weekend for some much needed grown up time with friends. As I wandered around the quiet house this morning gathering things - too many things - that I needed to take with me, I was surprised at how reluctant I was to leave my sweet little family. They would be having so much fun, enjoying beautiful fall days, running in the sunshine and all without me. Sniff sniff. But then my girls woke up. And the urge to flee returned. 

Being a mom of two sometimes feels like how I imagine being a rapid cycling bipolar must feel. I love them fiercely and with all of my heart and in the next instant I seriously question what I did so wrong in a past life to deserve this kind of maddening behavior from these two little button pushers.

Me: Go put on your shoes. 

5 minutes later

Me: Go put on your shoes

5 more minutes later:

Me: Go put on your shoes.

Me:Why don't you have your shoes on?

Littlest: What???

Me: Sigh. 

As you moms know, it's these little moments that can make you utterly  crazy.  They also make me appreciate any time I get to myself. As I'm writing this, I'm sitting at the car wash, loving that I don't have a single person's attention and nobody is asking me for anything. I used to think that the world was a very loud place but after having two kids talking at you all day, I think a demolition site would seem quiet as long as nobody was talking to me. 

Anyway, by sunset tonight I will be smelling the salt air and hearing the ocean waves so all will be right with the world again. I'll miss my family and I know that they'll have a great time without me.  I can't wait to hear all about their weekend when I get back and tell them all about mine but they're daddy's problem now. I'm beach bound bitches!

I am the winner of life!

In two weeks, I'm going to be 39. It's not something that bothers me. At least I don't think so. Come see me in 15 days and I'll let you know for sure but age has never really bothered me. It's the other stuff that does. Like when your nephew whose birth you remember graduates from high school and goes into the Air Force? Or when you realize your father would have been 80 this year? Or that it's been almost 13 years since he's been gone? And 21 since you graduated high school yourself? Yeah. That's the kind of stuff that makes me feel old. But a number? Meh. Doesn't get me. 

Although, I have to say that I never imagined that at 39 I would be so utterly unfocused and adrift. I know I'm not the only person in the world to feel this way but somehow, I always thought that 39-year-olds had it all figured out. They had stable jobs that they loved or at least tolerated. They were confident parents making good and effective decisions daily. They had balance and peace in their lives. And as I've approached 39, I've realized just how wrong I was. We're all some varying state of a hot mess! Oh sure, I know there are some of you overachievers out there who've completely got your shit together and are on track but me? I'm in that hot mess category. I yell at my kids. (I don't want to but it happens more often than I'd like to admit.) I forget shit All. The. Time. I procrastinate. I rarely seem to finish ANYTHING (or at least it feels that way to me.)

And I'm figuring out (or re-remembering something I discovered years ago and forgot?) that it's ok. It really is all about the journey. And I know that's cliche and, really, day one stuff but it's one of those things that I forget all. The. Time. There is no stopping point in life (at least not one we can plan on without causing others a whole lot of pain) so there's no GOAL in life. Oh sure there are goals but there's no GOAL. (Ok how do I make that flash in glitter and play the Haleighluah chorus when you read it?) There's no finish line with a tape that you get to run through and declare 'I am the winner of life!' It's about paths and journeys and if you enjoy those, it's gonna be a much more fun life than if you fight or criticize them the whole way. 

What journeys have you enjoyed lately? I think the first stop on mine today is the coffee pot and I'm going to enjoy every step. ;)

Still searching

So, I started this blog in January and haven't posted a thing since which is actually not a big deal since I have exactly zero people reading it.  And I know nothing about blogging. Or about life at times for that matter. I'm a 38 year old woman who still doesn't know what she wants to be when she grows up. I've always enjoyed writing. Mostly. I've always thought I've had a natural affinity for it. People have always complimented my writing. And it's been easy for me. 

Easy is always what I've wanted for my life. I'm an easy going person and I like easy. It's, we'll, easy. Do you feel me here? I'm not much of a "challenge motivated" person. At least I didn't think I was. Until yesterday when a good friend made me realize that nothing in life is ever 100% easy. Even the things that you love and want to do forever have their difficult moments. It's the fact that you love them and want to do them forever that make those difficult time and the hard work worth it instead of just plain old drudgery. Oh it'll still be drudgery but if you realize that it's moving you toward a larger (hopefully fulfilling) goal, hopefully it will joyful drudgery. Or bright side drudgery or something poetic like that. Let's see if that is something I can keep in my mind...

And just like that, I've started yet another blog. I had one years ago and skimming through it when I found it today, I was amazed by how much my life has changed in the years since I started it. It's all about knitting and infertility and I feel like I had a lot more time on my hands to fiddle with it than I will with this blog. But writing is something that I enjoy. And something that I want to practice and improve at and the best way to do that is to just do it.

A year or so ago, I started taking yoga again at the encourageent of a friend (Thanks Karla!) and it's made a big difference in my life already. Maybe not my body because that still feels like I've hit been a train the day after class. In a good way. Ya know. Like, "Thank you Sir, may I have another"? Anyway, last night my instructor said something that really hit home with me. She was talking about how when we want to do something we just need to do it and come at it in any way that we can. We can't be waiting for this, that or the other thing. We just show up and do it the best that we can. Like yoga. Just show up on your mat and do what you can. I don't need to reasearch effective blogging strategies or how to make money freelancing endlessly in order to be able to write. I just have to write. And if anyone ever starts to read my blog and I get afraid of success... well, that's one that I'll have to deal with later! For now, I'm just going to write. It may not be polished - I'm posting this as a first draft with no editing whether that's smart or not! - and it may not be witty or inciteful or funny or anything else that I may aspire to but it will be real. And it will be done. And it will make me feel like I've accomplished something. (Perhaps I should have begun with "Dear Diary"!)

If you're reading, leave me a comment so I can get anxious about not living up to your standards. ;)