I am the winner of life!

In two weeks, I'm going to be 39. It's not something that bothers me. At least I don't think so. Come see me in 15 days and I'll let you know for sure but age has never really bothered me. It's the other stuff that does. Like when your nephew whose birth you remember graduates from high school and goes into the Air Force? Or when you realize your father would have been 80 this year? Or that it's been almost 13 years since he's been gone? And 21 since you graduated high school yourself? Yeah. That's the kind of stuff that makes me feel old. But a number? Meh. Doesn't get me. 

Although, I have to say that I never imagined that at 39 I would be so utterly unfocused and adrift. I know I'm not the only person in the world to feel this way but somehow, I always thought that 39-year-olds had it all figured out. They had stable jobs that they loved or at least tolerated. They were confident parents making good and effective decisions daily. They had balance and peace in their lives. And as I've approached 39, I've realized just how wrong I was. We're all some varying state of a hot mess! Oh sure, I know there are some of you overachievers out there who've completely got your shit together and are on track but me? I'm in that hot mess category. I yell at my kids. (I don't want to but it happens more often than I'd like to admit.) I forget shit All. The. Time. I procrastinate. I rarely seem to finish ANYTHING (or at least it feels that way to me.)

And I'm figuring out (or re-remembering something I discovered years ago and forgot?) that it's ok. It really is all about the journey. And I know that's cliche and, really, day one stuff but it's one of those things that I forget all. The. Time. There is no stopping point in life (at least not one we can plan on without causing others a whole lot of pain) so there's no GOAL in life. Oh sure there are goals but there's no GOAL. (Ok how do I make that flash in glitter and play the Haleighluah chorus when you read it?) There's no finish line with a tape that you get to run through and declare 'I am the winner of life!' It's about paths and journeys and if you enjoy those, it's gonna be a much more fun life than if you fight or criticize them the whole way. 

What journeys have you enjoyed lately? I think the first stop on mine today is the coffee pot and I'm going to enjoy every step. ;)