What doesn't serve.

So after returning from a wonderful weekend at the beach last weekend, I fell into super lazy mode. I was sick with an epic man cold (yes, I know I’m a woman but seriously... this thing just won’t give up.) and I just didn’t feel like doing anything. My dishes piled up, my laundry piled up, there were dog-hair tumbleweeds rolling around the house. And then when I came home on Tuesday, there was a surprise sign in my yard about an open house on Sunday. Yep. We're selling our house. And this open house was news to me. So now I had at least three big projects that need to be done within five days and I had been super lazy mode for a whole week. Talk about feeling behind the eight ball.

When I went to get dressed that morning, I found that I had nothing that I wanted to wear. That afternoon when I finally got back upstairs I realized why. In super lazy mode, I had never unpacked my bag from the beach which had all of my favorites in it. Looking around my closet, I realized that I only wear about 70% of the stuff in there. (Ok, maybe 60%? 50%? Cringe.) The stuff in my bag and my laundry piles are the things I love best and the rest of it is kind of ‘just in case stuff’. So I had a thought. Maybe I should get rid of everything else it's in my closet. I don't like most of it anyway. Either it doesn't look good on me or I don’t like to wear it and chances are, I probably haven't worn it in over year anyway. And yes. I've read all the blogs and articles that say if you haven't worn something in over year you need to get rid of it. But it’s hard. There was always that 'what if’. What if I wanted it? What if I needed it? What if this year was finally the year that I kept my commitment to eating right and exercising consistently and lost a ton of weight and was able to fit into my dress from junior high school? (Yes. I still had a dress from junior high in my closet.)

My thinking was probably inspired by an article I read recently that's been rattling around my head a lot. The thing that stuck with me was the thought that how you approach one part of your life is how you approach all parts of your life. (And I could totally ramble off on a tangent here about being a deadliner and how that ties in with this bout of super lazy mode but we’ll save that for another post! Maybe. Have I mentioned I’m unfocused too?) As I was staring into this abyss of stuff in my closet, it was like a lightning bolt moment and this section of the post came crashing back to me:

Let’s pretend I’m in your home right now. Take a moment and open your closet.

Are there a bunch of clothes in there you never wear, but continue to hold on to, just in case?

If so, I’m betting there are people in your life that don’t match who you are or who you really want to be, yet you continue to hold on to them in fear of standing alone. If that doesn’t fit, how about this? I’m betting there is a job you’re holding on to that you don’t love, but you’re settling for what is, not what you want to be.

Do you see what I mean? The energy is the same. When we hold on to things just in case, we’re buying into poverty consciousness. We’re not trusting that what we need, or who we’ll want, will be there if we let go of what’s no longer working.

Um. Duh? And Wow. So I cleaned out my closet and got rid of all most of the things that don't serve me. It's gonna be helpful for moving. It gave me something to procrastinate all these big projects that I should have been doing and didn’t really feel like doing right at that moment. And hopefully it'll also give me a sense of release and of letting go of things that don't serve me so that I can do it in the rest of my life. I don’t pretend to think that just by getting rid of some of my clothes, I’ll immediately be able to release all of the things in my life that don’t serve me but the journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step, right?

Of whines and waves

I'm headed to the beach this weekend for some much needed grown up time with friends. As I wandered around the quiet house this morning gathering things - too many things - that I needed to take with me, I was surprised at how reluctant I was to leave my sweet little family. They would be having so much fun, enjoying beautiful fall days, running in the sunshine and all without me. Sniff sniff. But then my girls woke up. And the urge to flee returned. 

Being a mom of two sometimes feels like how I imagine being a rapid cycling bipolar must feel. I love them fiercely and with all of my heart and in the next instant I seriously question what I did so wrong in a past life to deserve this kind of maddening behavior from these two little button pushers.

Me: Go put on your shoes. 

5 minutes later

Me: Go put on your shoes

5 more minutes later:

Me: Go put on your shoes.

Me:Why don't you have your shoes on?

Littlest: What???

Me: Sigh. 

As you moms know, it's these little moments that can make you utterly  crazy.  They also make me appreciate any time I get to myself. As I'm writing this, I'm sitting at the car wash, loving that I don't have a single person's attention and nobody is asking me for anything. I used to think that the world was a very loud place but after having two kids talking at you all day, I think a demolition site would seem quiet as long as nobody was talking to me. 

Anyway, by sunset tonight I will be smelling the salt air and hearing the ocean waves so all will be right with the world again. I'll miss my family and I know that they'll have a great time without me.  I can't wait to hear all about their weekend when I get back and tell them all about mine but they're daddy's problem now. I'm beach bound bitches!

I am the winner of life!

In two weeks, I'm going to be 39. It's not something that bothers me. At least I don't think so. Come see me in 15 days and I'll let you know for sure but age has never really bothered me. It's the other stuff that does. Like when your nephew whose birth you remember graduates from high school and goes into the Air Force? Or when you realize your father would have been 80 this year? Or that it's been almost 13 years since he's been gone? And 21 since you graduated high school yourself? Yeah. That's the kind of stuff that makes me feel old. But a number? Meh. Doesn't get me. 

Although, I have to say that I never imagined that at 39 I would be so utterly unfocused and adrift. I know I'm not the only person in the world to feel this way but somehow, I always thought that 39-year-olds had it all figured out. They had stable jobs that they loved or at least tolerated. They were confident parents making good and effective decisions daily. They had balance and peace in their lives. And as I've approached 39, I've realized just how wrong I was. We're all some varying state of a hot mess! Oh sure, I know there are some of you overachievers out there who've completely got your shit together and are on track but me? I'm in that hot mess category. I yell at my kids. (I don't want to but it happens more often than I'd like to admit.) I forget shit All. The. Time. I procrastinate. I rarely seem to finish ANYTHING (or at least it feels that way to me.)

And I'm figuring out (or re-remembering something I discovered years ago and forgot?) that it's ok. It really is all about the journey. And I know that's cliche and, really, day one stuff but it's one of those things that I forget all. The. Time. There is no stopping point in life (at least not one we can plan on without causing others a whole lot of pain) so there's no GOAL in life. Oh sure there are goals but there's no GOAL. (Ok how do I make that flash in glitter and play the Haleighluah chorus when you read it?) There's no finish line with a tape that you get to run through and declare 'I am the winner of life!' It's about paths and journeys and if you enjoy those, it's gonna be a much more fun life than if you fight or criticize them the whole way. 

What journeys have you enjoyed lately? I think the first stop on mine today is the coffee pot and I'm going to enjoy every step. ;)